“I am never in a million years wearing that,” he laughs, waving a top hat. “It’ll wreck my hair.”
With his mane of blond disco-diva locks and matching perma-tan, the controversial footballer-turned-pundit looks tailor-made for Strictly Come Dancing.
But there’s one small problem – Robbie doesn’t dance.
A hate figure for opposition fans throughout his career, Robbie says he is doing the Saturday night show for his mum, Val.
After years of insults, death threats and attacks as recently as a few weeks ago, Robbie, 37, can’t take it anymore.
“I don’t dance,” he says. “I don’t dance sober, I don’t dance drunk. I don’t dance at weddings – well I danced at my own, but that’s it.
“The main reason I’m doing this is because of my mum. I don’t want it to be a big sob story, I know everyone has problems. But my dad has Alzheimer’s, so it’s upsetting for her to hear the stuff that happens to me.
“People didn’t like how I was on the field playing football, but that was me doing my job and trying to win. My mum loves Strictly and getting the chance to show everyone I’m not this horrible guy may help her, and the rest of my family.”
Just a few weeks ago, Mirror columnist Robbie was attacked by a stranger in front of his son Charlie, eight. Luckily his younger boy Freddie, four, wasn’t there at the time.
“I was punched in the back of the head by some bloke at Old Trafford,” he says. “He came from behind and just punched me, in front of my boy. And then he calmly strolled off eating a bag of chips. You wouldn’t walk up to a normal guy in the street and do that. They reckon they know you so they think it’s OK.”
And that wasn’t the first time that Robbie’s son has witnessed his dad being attacked. “I was spat at in the pub in front of Charlie,” recalls Robbie.
“It was an Aston Villa fan, when Charlie was one or two. He just came up to me, called me an obscenity and spat in my face. What could I do? Nobody restrained him, nothing. Again, he just strolled off.
“I have got into altercations a few times. I’ve shouted back but luckily I’ve got three or four very good mates who manage to stand in my way.
You want to react but you can’t and they know it. If I react, then it becomes my fault. I’ve never hit anybody back though – I’m not a fighter.”
Some of the attacks have been even more sinister, getting closer to home for his wife, Sarah, and even his dad, Colin’s, illness.
“People have joked about my dad’s Alzheimer’s on Twitter,” says Robbie. “I’ve had my house attacked. I’ve had men outside my house in balaclavas, I’ve had windows smashed, eggs thrown at the car, and scratches on the car. I’ve had death threats with letters cut out of the papers and put in the post. Of course it’s worried my wife – it’s scary. My mum had to stop coming to watch me play because of the stuff she was hearing. One time she could only stick it for 20 minutes before she had to leave. She spent the next 70 minutes pacing outside the stadium.”
Wrexham-born Robbie failed to make the grade at Manchester United before moving to Crewe, Leicester, Birmingham, Blackburn and finally Derby, where he retired in May. He also played 39 times for Wales but he says: “I’m very unconfident. All those years of people saying you’re rubbish isn’t great. You start believing it. There are all these websites slagging off my looks, how I play football, my family. They don’t care.”
However, Robbie hopes his time on Strictly – where he will partner Ola Jordan – could turn things around for him.
He says: “A few weeks ago I was getting punched in the head by some stranger, and now I’ve got old ladies coming up in the street wishing me luck. Hopefully people will see I’m not this cocky guy, or whatever it is they think.” But he’ll have to overcome his fear of dancing in public – and one time in particular still makes him shudder.
“I was in Marbella with my three best mates,” he says. “We’d had a few wines, I’d lost my inhibitions and thought I’d have a little dance with my mate Nutty, who’s 5ft, bald and he’s only got three teeth.
“We were doing the waltz, when my other mate noticed somebody was filming us. We had to follow him out and beg him to delete it before it ended up where people could see it. I was scarred by that!”
Ola, who turns 29 today, is trying to help Robbie overcome his dread.
“I couldn’t have asked for a better teacher,” says Robbie. “Ola’s pretty tough, she’s the boss and I don’t question her. My mum is so excited. She’s talked to Ola on the phone and she said, ‘Look after my boy for me’.
“When I’ve seen myself dancing on tape though, it’s awful! Standing there on night one, I could seriously, seriously crumble.
“I’m in massive trouble. My nerves are awful. I could go and play in front of 50,000 in football or do a radio show or something. But doing this in front of 400 people in the audience is going to make me sick.”
What about the millions watching at home? “Oh shut up,” he says. “It’s terrifying.”
3 Strictly Come Dancing, BBC1, tonight, 9pm, and tomorrow, 6pm
